Discovering your self-worth
L-R: Tara Parish today and at the end of her first marriage.
For years Tara Parish felt worthless, blaming herself for the violence of her first marriage, the loss of her infant son, her daughter’s cancer and the collapse of her second marriage. These days she sees herself differently.
A story for anyone needing the courage to recognise their self-worth and take charge of their own story.
THE NOMINATION
My friend Rachael MacLaren has inspired me with her courage since her long term partner suffered a brain injury. When asked whose courage inspires her, she names her friend Tara Parish for her ability to find joy in life despite a lifetime of trauma.
Tara had a stall near mine at the market. She was new to town, friendly and open so I kind of collected her.
Tara is introverted. She’s quiet about herself and her achievements. But over time she started to open up and I was blown away as her story unravelled. I’d think, “She’s been through that? How did she cope?”
Her first marriage was a domestic violence situation. She married young and had three children. I think she went into that marriage thinking this was going to be her life and then found herself victimised and isolated. It must have taken so much courage to leave that situation.
Then she married again and had another three children. One child died at birth, and another was diagnosed with cancer. And I’m thinking, “Oh my God. All these things.”
We were friends by the time her second marriage ended. He had started up with another woman, and Tara was very clear that wasn’t on. I remember at the time she was devastated because she hadn’t seen it coming. But she processed it, picked herself up and moved on.
Her first job out of motherhood was at a bakery. And I know that even though she has a science degree, that felt like a big achievement for her because her self-confidence was so low. Now she’s a manager of one of the departments at the Base Hospital. She never stopped moving forward.
How can one person go through so much and not become bitter?
How can one person go through so much and not become bitter? How does she still find happiness and joy in life? I think if I’d faced what she’s faced, I’d want to walk away from life and live in a tree. Tara never lost hope in life and people. She’s taken a mental battering over the years and somehow it hasn’t scarred her.
Courage to me is about facing challenges and moving forward. Tara has faced so many challenges and just continues to grow. She’s an inspiration.
TARA
Growing up I was very shy. As a teen, I was six-foot tall, with red hair, and skinny: I didn’t fit in anywhere.
Kayne was the first boy/man to pay attention to me. My best friend started going out with his best friend, so we just fell into a relationship. We didn’t have a lot in common, but he made me feel wanted, valued, and important. I was 16 when we met, and before I turned 18, we moved into a unit together and I started my first job as a junior lab technician at the University of Tasmania.
That’s where the isolation began. I had no money because he kept it all. He made it clear that our spare time must be spent together. I became alienated from my family and friends. Suddenly, I looked around and he was all I had.
I’d got myself into the situation, so I thought I must deserve it. When I did try to stand up to him, the intimidation would start. So I just tried to make the best of things. I didn’t consider it abuse because he didn’t leave bruises.
I didn’t consider it abuse because he didn’t leave bruises.
I was 20 when I fell pregnant and I remember thinking, “This will make it better. We’ll be a family.” Mum and Dad were my role models: you get married and have children. My Mum was a homemaker and my Dad was very authoritarian. He never physically touched us, but we were all scared of him. So I thought we were becoming a normal family unit.
Jake was born, and Zack and Jess came along quickly afterwards. I felt increasingly inferior and alone.
I kept my job at the University because Kayne had a bad temper and couldn’t hold down a job. Eventually, I did get a few bruises on my arms and face and two of my workmates took me aside and told me they knew what was going on and were there for me. It took me a few months to finally ask them what I should do.
Money became a real problem. He kept most of the money, so I had to hide the housekeeping to pay the bills. Finally, Kayne decided to go to the mines in Kalgoorlie. I was left with a full-time job and three little kids under 4. That was tough… but suddenly, I could breathe. I felt like me again. I felt a little hopeful.
With the help of my workmates, I wrote Kayne a “Dear John” letter, naively thinking that would be the end of it. He came home as soon as he could organise a ticket and upped the ante in terms of threats and violence. I had to get a restraining order.
I moved into a unit by myself. I disconnected the phone because the phone calls were constant. It would start with “I love you”, and then become “We live together or not at all.” It was frightening.
I had a recurring nightmare that I’d forgotten to lock the doors.
I didn’t sleep. I had a recurring nightmare that I’d forgotten to lock the doors. Kayne was coming and I couldn’t get to the door quickly enough to lock him out.
Luckily, my neighbour was a policeman. Kayne did turn up in the middle of the night a couple of times, but I think he got scared off knowing the police were nearby.
Eventually, Kayne moved in with his parents and they supported him. In hindsight that was a good thing because it gave him a safe place to be, which also kept me and the kids safe.
Tara with Jess, Zack and Jake
He did get visitation rights with the kids, but his parents had to be there during visits. It was still the most nerve-wracking time when they went to stay with their father. I was always thinking, “Will I see them again?”
I honestly don’t know how I held myself together during that fearful time. There are big gaps in my memory. I know now, after counselling, that my nervous system was so heightened and anxious trying to protect myself and my kids and that overstimulation meant I didn’t lay down many memories.
With time things did get better. It was a nasty couple of years even once I stopped worrying about being physically hurt. He wanted to punish me, so he wouldn’t support the kids in any way. I couldn’t leave the state without Kane’s permission, which would be “over my dead body”. It got to the point where Zack and Jess refused to see his father, and Jake was afraid of him.
Then I met my second husband Matthew, and it was love at first sight. He was so different to Kayne: easy-going, laid back, no anger, no violence, no threats. We married and a year later had Shannon.
I knew something was wrong at the first scan.
Then we had Christian. I knew something was wrong at the first scan. He was delivered alive. They did everything they could to try and save him, then let me hold him as he passed away.
I said at the time, “I can’t do this again.” But a few months later I needed something to heal the hurt. I guess I couldn’t end on such a sad note. So we tried again and fell pregnant with Kate.
By that stage, Shannon was four and a bit. One weekend she got sick. The doctor put her on antibiotics and the first lot didn’t work. Her gums were bleeding and she had little spots on her legs. I took her back to the doctor who gave her another round of antibiotics. By the time we took her to the ER she had blood coming out of her eyes. The paediatrician recognised the signs right away: leukemia.
I remember being 5-months pregnant and holding Shannon’s hand in the ICU.
I remember being 5- months pregnant and holding Shannon’s hand in the ICU. The doctor told us we were lucky, this type of leukaemia had a 70% survival rate. But they’d told me that Christian had a certain survival rate and that didn’t work. And all I could think was, “I’m going to lose another child.”
It was very hard on Shannon’s body, but over two and half years they got rid of the leukaemia.
When Shannon was six someone nominated her for Make A Wish. She wanted to swim with dolphins, so they flew us all up to Coffs Harbour. We just fell in love with it. We couldn’t move straight away because my first three kids were still too young and I didn’t want to risk the Family Court.
Kayne was still stirring the pot. I still had palpitations if we were in the same room. My voice would be shaky. I was always so angry that I couldn’t sound confident. But he terrified me. I couldn’t face a court battle with him.
The whole family moved to Coffs Harbour in 2012 (except Jake who was already in university in Tasmania). We’d seen so many marriages fall apart in the children’s cancer wards. But despite everything we’d been through, Matthew and I just seemed stronger.
It wasn’t until I started seeing a counsellor that I realised all those things I’d blamed myself for were not my fault.
It wasn’t until I started seeing a counsellor that I realised all those things I’d blamed myself for were not my fault. She gave me a different way of looking at things and I started to change. Looking back I realise that Matthew didn’t like it. I became more confident. I spoke my mind which I’d not done in our relationship. As much as I loved him, I did let him walk all over me. He wanted the compliant, passive me and couldn’t accept that I felt better and stronger.
Matthew and I had been married for 20 years when I caught him cheating. It was an awful way for a beautiful relationship to end. We had survived so much and I thought we could survive anything. I spiralled down at first. I felt so betrayed.
L-R: Shannon, Jess, Tara, Zack, Jake, Kate
But these days I quite like being on my own. I thought I wouldn’t be able to cope, which goes back to years of Kayne telling me: “You won’t survive on your own.” “You’re not smart enough.” “You’re ugly.” “People don’t like you.”
I can still remember how worthless I used to feel but now I see that I’ve got so much to offer and there’s still so much to do.
I’ve managed to put everything that happened into context. It was life-changing, not life-ending and I’ve made the best of what I’ve been given. I want to be the best role model for my children. They need to see that no woman deserves to be made to feel the way I was made to feel.
I’m not sure how I moved from worthless to valuable in my own mind. Therapy, the support of good friends, my children’s love. There are still two internal voices. The realistic voice that reminds me I’ve achieved so much, and the darker voice that tells me I should have done better and I deserve all the bad things that happened. Both voices are still there, but the good voice wins most of the time these days.
Photographs provided by Tara Parish.
If this story raises issues for you, the following services may be of help.
1800RESPECT – 1 800 737 732
24-hour family and domestic violence counselling line.
Beyond Blue – 1 300 224 636
Information and support to help everyone in Australia achieve the best possible mental health.
MensLine Australia – 1 300 789 978
Supports men and boys dealing with family and relationship difficulties.
Men’s Referral Service – 1 300 766 491
Offers assistance, information and counselling to help men who use family violence.